| Copyright 2009 Emotionally Healthy Twins - Joan A. Friedman, PhD All rights reserved. |
Twins create the illusion of being a complete set. The perfect embodiment of togetherness, they seem more self-sufficient than
they are. These sorts of fantasies contribute to the “twin mystique” which lures unsuspecting parents to view their two babies as
one unit. In her new book, Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, Joan
Friedman, MSW Ph.D. deftly describes the twin mystique, and reveals its powerful influence on twins and their parents. Even
better, she explains how parents can circumvent predictable pressures that occur when raising twins, and thereby prevent their
same-aged children from becoming an enmeshed pair.
Friedman has specialized in the treatment of twins and their parents for decades. As a twin, and mother-of- twins, she knows the
pitfalls awaiting parents, and has given them a lot of thought. Her tone is both authoritative and kindly: inflexible about the need to
treat twins as unique individuals, empathic about the difficulties that will ensue. Here is a sound approach with practical
suggestions on how to raise twins to become well-defined, autonomous people. This book is essential reading for anyone seeking
to understand the complex psychological issues that twins and their parents face. The key to Friedman’s philosophy is the notion
that twins are distinct individuals who just happen to be conceived simultaneously and right next to each other. All of the rest of
her advice flows naturally from this one notion.
This book takes the reader through the experience of parenting twins from inception to adulthood, chronologically, chapter by
chapter. Starting with compelling advice on the best mental set for carrying two babies in utero, the book goes on to describe twin
challenges likely to arise at each stage of development. Practical solutions are offered, including how to manage separate
birthday parties, out of school activities, classrooms, and friends. Comparisons, while somewhat inevitable, are to be diligently
avoided.
Though helping children tolerate inequality is an important aspect of all parenting, it is a pressing concern when raising twins.
Friedman’s forethought and wisdom will be welcome salves for parents who must continually help their twins manage life’s
paradoxes and inequities. She cautions parents that they will surely prefer one child over another, at least from time to time. They
are forewarned that life will not be fair, and twins will not have identical childhoods. And they are reassured, convincingly, that this
is okay; it is just part of life. Two children, two temperaments, two sets of experiences… disparities cannot be prevented, they
must be accepted.
Parents are encouraged to schedule time with each child, one-on-one, each week, making sure that the other twin is well-cared
for some place else. Regular time spent with each child, apart from the other twin, helps parents learn about their baby’s’ unique
needs and preferences, and it helps babies develop a sense of self. Better attunement facilitates more secure attachment, which
is good for everyone. One of the great strengths of this book is its ability to anticipate how emotionally difficult it is to consistently
treat twins as separate individuals. Armed with excellent strategies, Friedman shares her experience and knowledge to help
parents combat their misguided impulses. This book gives me hope that life will be easier for the next generation of twins… and
for their parents as well. My only complaint is that it was not written sooner; it would have been a great help to have when I was
raising my twins.
they are. These sorts of fantasies contribute to the “twin mystique” which lures unsuspecting parents to view their two babies as
one unit. In her new book, Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, Joan
Friedman, MSW Ph.D. deftly describes the twin mystique, and reveals its powerful influence on twins and their parents. Even
better, she explains how parents can circumvent predictable pressures that occur when raising twins, and thereby prevent their
same-aged children from becoming an enmeshed pair.
Friedman has specialized in the treatment of twins and their parents for decades. As a twin, and mother-of- twins, she knows the
pitfalls awaiting parents, and has given them a lot of thought. Her tone is both authoritative and kindly: inflexible about the need to
treat twins as unique individuals, empathic about the difficulties that will ensue. Here is a sound approach with practical
suggestions on how to raise twins to become well-defined, autonomous people. This book is essential reading for anyone seeking
to understand the complex psychological issues that twins and their parents face. The key to Friedman’s philosophy is the notion
that twins are distinct individuals who just happen to be conceived simultaneously and right next to each other. All of the rest of
her advice flows naturally from this one notion.
This book takes the reader through the experience of parenting twins from inception to adulthood, chronologically, chapter by
chapter. Starting with compelling advice on the best mental set for carrying two babies in utero, the book goes on to describe twin
challenges likely to arise at each stage of development. Practical solutions are offered, including how to manage separate
birthday parties, out of school activities, classrooms, and friends. Comparisons, while somewhat inevitable, are to be diligently
avoided.
Though helping children tolerate inequality is an important aspect of all parenting, it is a pressing concern when raising twins.
Friedman’s forethought and wisdom will be welcome salves for parents who must continually help their twins manage life’s
paradoxes and inequities. She cautions parents that they will surely prefer one child over another, at least from time to time. They
are forewarned that life will not be fair, and twins will not have identical childhoods. And they are reassured, convincingly, that this
is okay; it is just part of life. Two children, two temperaments, two sets of experiences… disparities cannot be prevented, they
must be accepted.
Parents are encouraged to schedule time with each child, one-on-one, each week, making sure that the other twin is well-cared
for some place else. Regular time spent with each child, apart from the other twin, helps parents learn about their baby’s’ unique
needs and preferences, and it helps babies develop a sense of self. Better attunement facilitates more secure attachment, which
is good for everyone. One of the great strengths of this book is its ability to anticipate how emotionally difficult it is to consistently
treat twins as separate individuals. Armed with excellent strategies, Friedman shares her experience and knowledge to help
parents combat their misguided impulses. This book gives me hope that life will be easier for the next generation of twins… and
for their parents as well. My only complaint is that it was not written sooner; it would have been a great help to have when I was
raising my twins.
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