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| Copyright 2009 Emotionally Healthy Twins - Joan A. Friedman, PhD All rights reserved. |
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We have twin boys who are 10 years old. They have always played football, basketball and baseball. They have
always been on the same team, every sport they have played... I am sure you can see where this is going. We found
out on Sunday, one made the team and one did not. And let me tell you, my feelings of hurt and devastation are
worse than when they were born and spent 3 weeks in the NICU! I am overcome with this sense of failure, almost
like this is our fault we put them in this situation. And then I flip to the other side where I almost think this is good
for them, to have this experience now so they will be prepared for life down the road. Do we take one child off the
team for his brother’s sake? We know that is not the logical answer, but we can't live like this in our household.
always been on the same team, every sport they have played... I am sure you can see where this is going. We found
out on Sunday, one made the team and one did not. And let me tell you, my feelings of hurt and devastation are
worse than when they were born and spent 3 weeks in the NICU! I am overcome with this sense of failure, almost
like this is our fault we put them in this situation. And then I flip to the other side where I almost think this is good
for them, to have this experience now so they will be prepared for life down the road. Do we take one child off the
team for his brother’s sake? We know that is not the logical answer, but we can't live like this in our household.
Life for twins cannot be equal or fair - you will look back on this and it will become an important milestone in the boys'
emotional development, especially since they are becoming adolescents. I know that it is horribly painful to see one of
the boys suffering - but try to see these circumstances as a blessing in the sense that it is not fair or healthy for either
one of them to interfere or change the reality of the situation. Children develop resilience when they have to face
difficult situations - and twins often do not learn to manage these challenges until they are older. You are a wonderful
mother to recognize that making things equal in this situation would send a detrimental message to both boys and
will interfere with their learning how to handle their successes and failures as individuals, on their own. Just try to be
patient - it does take time for everyone to adjust.
emotional development, especially since they are becoming adolescents. I know that it is horribly painful to see one of
the boys suffering - but try to see these circumstances as a blessing in the sense that it is not fair or healthy for either
one of them to interfere or change the reality of the situation. Children develop resilience when they have to face
difficult situations - and twins often do not learn to manage these challenges until they are older. You are a wonderful
mother to recognize that making things equal in this situation would send a detrimental message to both boys and
will interfere with their learning how to handle their successes and failures as individuals, on their own. Just try to be
patient - it does take time for everyone to adjust.